Santa’s Reality (12.22.06)
Mrs. Claus Airs Some Dirty Laundry
Dec 22, 2006 Deanna Couras Goodson
Description:
Santa Claus decides to set the record straight about his life, his loves and his battle with cookie addiction. He allowed camera crews from the Dreams & Nightmares network to enter his abode in the North Pole for a truly one-of-a-kind experience as he prepared his sleigh.
Introduction:
The crew enters the North Pole. Tyria Hanks, who has become a truly respected TV journalist since she won six Emmys and gained 50 lbs, is there to interview Santa. He looks slovenly in a pair of tattered red sweat pants. He’s had way too much cocoa to drink and has cookie crumbs stuck in his beard. He tells Tyria, “You’ve got a great booty, girl. Come on over here and sit on my lap. I don’t care if you got some junk in the trunk, baby. I like it like that.”
Mrs. Claus’ Pain:
Mrs. Claus enters the room and grabs Tyria by her hair weave. “B*tch, don’t you try stealing my man. I won’t have it. He won’t cheat on me. Not again. I can’t go through that.”
Tyria hugs Mrs. Claus and says, “I forgive you, girl. Who the heck did that heifer cheat on you with?” Mrs. Claus tells the world about Santa’s affairs with Queen Elizabeth I, referring to her as “that slut”, Betsy Ross, Tyne Daly and Vixen. “It’s so humiliating. He actually told me the deer was better in bed than I was. He hasn’t touched me since we learned I was infertile in 1299. What’s wrong with me? I was Miss Rome 1266. I used to be pretty before I gained all this weight. I even posed for DaVinci a long time ago. I was the Mona Lisa.” She starts crying. Tyria starts to cry.
Mrs. Claus then reveals that Santa is a workaholic. “Oh you think he just works one day a year, but no. It’s 24/7/365. He never stops. He just can’t. He’s always checking that list. I wish he’d pay me some attention once in a while.”
Mrs. Claus then goes on to talk about Santa’s addiction to cookies and cocoa. “The man eats non-stop. He always has a cookie or a cocoa in his hand. It used to be cigarettes. Then, it was Grey Goose Vodka. For a while, he was hooked on opium, but that was so long ago. He would just take off and go to China to get some. It was ridiculous. I guess he is just an addictive personality. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve often thought of leaving him.”
Coming Up on Santa's Reality
Join us next time as Tyria learns more about what goes on behind the scenes at Santa’s Workshop and shares it with the cameras and us. We’ll see some trouble with the reindeer and Santa will come clean about what life is really like with Mrs. Claus.
Note to Reader: This article is an attempt at satire. It’s meant in the spirit of fun and holiday good cheer. If you must complain, please feel free to do so. However, I’m not sure I’ll respond to you. You can discuss this article in the discussion area. Just be nice!
Santa & Mrs. Claus
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