Santa’s Reality (12.24.06)

Introduction:

Tyria Hanks has infiltrated Santa’s world. She’s there to observe and preserve Santa’s way of life. In the first episode, Tyria learned that Santa is a bit naughty, and Mrs. Claus told us how he’s not so nice. There’s obviously trouble in the Claus marriage. There are charges of infidelity and infertility as well. Mrs. Claus also opened up a bit about Santa’s “addictive personality.” Now, it’s Santa’s turn to tell the cameras about his side of things. This story is NOT for the children.

Santa’s Shame:

Santa asked that Tyria not be present. He wanted to do make his ‘confession’ in front of a diary room camera like in Big Brother. Santa’s a big fan of Dr. Will Kirby. Calls him a “great game player. Sure, he’s on the naughty list, but…I wish I could say and do the things he does.”

Santa tells the cameras that life’s rough for the 'Ho-Ho-Ho man.'

“I ain’t no saint. Of course, the stupid Catholic Church canonized me. I was a bishop for a while in Myra, but I mean that was the times. I had to work. And, let me tell you, bishops back then were far from chaste. Well, at least I wasn’t.”

Santa admits that he has a penchant for the ladies. He especially likes full-figured women. It’s not that he isn’t attracted to Mrs. Claus. He loves her, but she’s not “passionate enough.” As he says, “I likes me a freak in the bedroom. Mrs. Claus is such a prude. She likes to do it with the lights off. The woman won’t even wear lingerie. She always comes to bed in flannel and wears her curlers.” Santa also doesn't care about Mrs. Claus' infertility. He admits that he never wanted children anyway. "I much prefer to leave them gifts once a year. That's about all I can handle. Besides, I have hundreds of elves here. Why would I need another short, demanding person around here?"

Santa doesn’t deny that he’s a workaholic and a cookie addict. He says he’s under immense pressure to “deliver the goods.” He wishes he wasn’t so famous. “I can really relate to people like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. It’s a rough life…being a mythical creature. No one really understands how difficult it can be. Sometimes, you just gotta go crazy and not wear underwear. Heck, I’m not wearing any right now.”

Santa admits that he doesn’t expect people to get him. He just wants them to continue to keep Christmas in their hearts even if he’s “not perfect.” He also wishes people would stop being so commercial. “I mean do kids really need cell phones and i-Pods for Christmas? Are 50 gifts really necessary? It’s so frustrating. I'm a wood-worker for crissakes!”

Santa says he needs someone to talk to. He agrees with Mrs. Claus in an emotional reunion, that counseling might be good for them both. Tyria offers to arrange something with her good friend, Dr. Bill Macaw.

Note to Reader: This article is an attempt at satire. It’s meant in the spirit of fun and holiday good cheer. If you must complain, please feel free to do so. However, I’m not sure I’ll respond to you. You can discuss this article in the discussion area. Just be nice!

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